She's always here but she waits.
She waits for me to see or feel her through the fog; through the drama and chaos that my ego carefully constructs and keeps alive.
I get tangled in this web of heavy thoughts that circulate incessantly. I become trapped under stuck emotions that have lined walls around my heart.
She is such a loving, Higher Being that she is always accepting me unconditionally, ALL of me, "good and bad", and patiently waiting for me to do the same.
I, like so many, am addicted to my story, to my suffering. Asleep and drowning in my unfelt feelings. Attached to the past or future, avoiding the now. It's only when I awaken, surrender, accept, and fully love myself, forgive myself, and honor every quality, feeling, attribute, detail, narrative... EVERYTHING, and not see any of it as wrong, and not see myself as wrong that she appears.
Each week I'm slowly making my way back to this space. I'm taking my time, prioritizing myself and my personal healing, and in I am in awe of what's birthing in me.
As I tip-toe my way here, sharing more of my story and experience, I will start by opening up more and more about what has led me to this place. I have been waiting to share some of the real raw earlier details of my experiences but trust in Divine Timing. There is a lot percolating, and the biggest, most healing impact is...
But don't be fooled by the term. This isn't just sitting and breathing, or watching the breath, or doing a breathing meditation. These are full breathwork ceremonies; powerful healing journeys that are 30-60 minutes in length and have benefits physically, emotionally, mentally AND spiritually.
So I will share with you my top 10 of what Breathwork has done for me and continues to do.
I just completed an 8-month breathwork facilitator program through the international school, Alchemy of Breath. It was so much more than learning about breathing techniques. It was the most beautiful opening to the doorway of my soul. It became part of my healing protocol after more than a year of grueling, breast cancer recovery. The first year of recovery was mostly physical healing, and in the 2nd year, when the fog lifted, Alchemy of Breath led me home to my heart. Coming back into my body I had to meet a multitude of traumas. But I did it, and still am, one breath at a time.
We had inner journey classes to enquire into every aspect of our pre-birth, birth, childhood, and upbringing, leading to this present moment. Toward the end of the training, we even explored our own personal death; a topic many stay away from, including me, until I came face to face with it through this life-threatening diagnosis.
MY BEHIND THE SCENES GRATITUDE LIST BELOW and counting... )
There is so much that no one tells you when you are diagnosed and treated for a life-threatening illness. And I suppose it kinda has to be that way; to stay as present as possible to carefully choose and live each baby step along the way. Especially when you know better than to just listen to what others tell you to do, including doctors, and refuse to operate or choose from fear! It's an inward journey that takes patience, Presence, and deep listening to the body, heart, and soul.
And choosing what feels right within; a choice unique and perfect for each of us.
So, I never expected breast cancer recovery taking almost 2 years. But I also never expected to be GRATEFUL for it. ALL of it. And that has taken a LOT of time as well.
I certainly didn’t do it alone. I would never have gotten through it without so many people that were part of various phases of this journey.
It goes without saying that my heart is full...
This journal post was written 9/8/21, a few months after chemo ended and I was in a scary, dark place suffering debilitating brain fog, exhaustion, anxiety, and severe PTSD. My spiritual counselor, Susan Vivona, (a GOD send, pun intended), inspired me to write a letter to GOD, and then let GOD respond through me with an answer, as I stayed open and receptive to the message.
And since our mutual personal connection of GOD is Yeshua, (Jesus), I realized I missed my pure and innocent connection with HIM from childhood As a result of my whole journey leading up to my diagnosis, I had gotten quite caught up with the angels, a part of my experience which I haven't shared yet, and since then so much has changed. So I welcomed this invitation to open up again and communicate with Him in a new way.
As I reread it now 2 years later I'm in awe at what came through me...
UPDATE FROM TINA
(Picture on left, hair cut short to prepare, pic on right, my swollen face during treatment)
It has been such a long road, and although it’s not over, I wanted to take a few moments and express my heartfelt gratitude to each and every one of you.
Being on this healing journey is unlike anything I have ever, or could ever, expect to experience. It has been anything but easy, and continues to challenge me each and every day physically, mentally, emotionally, AND spiritually!
In many ways I feel like I’ve been through hell and back, over and over and over as each treatment, brought with it new side effects, less hair, and lots of tears. It has been a roller coaster ride of emotions, and I’ve gotten quite good at riding the multitude of waves.
Each day continues to bring something new for me to look at, observe, meditate on, feel, and let go… and I’m slowly emerging to the other side. I’m about to embark on...
However it is important to remember that we are all spiritual beings; merely having a “human experience.” And that experience is one of duality. This physical world is actually the quickest way for our soul to evolve. The Angels say that before we incarnate, we anxiously wait in line to enter into a body to learn, heal, and experience what can only be experienced in the vehicle of a body temple. The problem is upon arriving here, we forget who we are, forget our life mission, become a traveler of the world around us and then want to leave. And as long as we experience our lives through only our 5 human senses, we are limited to only seeing a small fraction of the picture.
Our soul is here to experience richly and fully EVERYTHING; the totality of all emotions, lessons, and...